Lily
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A policeman pulled a blonde over after she’d been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: “Do you know where your going?”
Blonde: “No, but wherever it is, it must be bad ’cause all the people are leaving.
An old mountaineer and his young ex-wife were fighting over custody of their children.
The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, “Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?”
An old man is sitting out on his deck one day
when he sees a young boy walking down the road with a roll of duct tape under his arm.
“Where are you going?” asks the old man.
“To catch some ducks” says the kid.
“You can’t catch ducks with duct tape” replies the old man.
“Ok” says the kid and carries on his way.
2 hours later up the road comes the kid with a load of ducks wrapped up in the tape.
Next day same old man see kid with a roll of chicken wire: “Where you off to today?”
Kid: “Going to catch some chickens.”
“You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.”
Kid: “Ok”
Sure as bears shit in the woods a few hours later here comes the kid lugging a load of chickens caught in the wire. Next day the old man sees the kid with some sort of plant.
“What you got today?”
Kid: “A bunch of pussy willows.”
“Hold on till I get my coat.”