Lily
A man in his mid-forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks for a second and says: “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer, and walked away.
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed, each reading a book.
Suddenly the wife closes her book, looks over at her husband and asks a sensitive question.
Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Husband: What? Definitely not!
Wife: Why not? Don’t you like being married?
Husband: Well, of course, I do.
Wife: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
Husband: Okay, okay, I’d get married again.
Wife: You would? (with a hurt look)
Husband: (makes audible groan)
Wife: Would you live in our house?
Husband: Sure, it’s a great house.
Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Husband: Where else would we sleep?
Wife: Would you let her drive my car?
Husband: Probably, it’s almost new.
Wife: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Wife: Would you give her my jewelry?
Husband: No, I’m sure she’d want her own.
Wife: Would you take her golfing with you?
Husband: Sure, golfing together is always fun.
Wife: Would she use my clubs?
Husband: Of course not, she’s left-handed.
Wife: — silence —
Husband: Sh*t.