Lily
Ralph came home drunk one night,
slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber…
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a lesser being. An animal.”
Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the Hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside, like I’m going to explode.”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”
“Never.” said Ralph.
“Well just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster, “It’s no big deal.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell…
“RALPH wake up! You cr*pped the bed!”
A woman takes her little boy to visit their dead relatives’ gravestones at a cemetery.
The little boy has never been to a cemetery before. The woman first takes her son her grandmother Annie’s gravestone.
The initials under Annie’s name say R.I.P. The little boy asks, “Mommy, what does R.I.P. stand for?”
His mother replies, “It stands for ‘Rest in Peace.’ That means we wish for Grandma Annie’s spirit to find peace in the afterlife.”
Then, they come across the gravestone of the woman’s uncle Joe. The little boy asks, “Mommy, what does R.I.H. stand for?”, pointing to the initials printed under Uncle Joe’s name.