Lily
Mary and Ted got married and had 13 children.
Then Ted died of heart disease.
She married again and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob died in a car accident, 12 years later.
Again Mary remarried and this time she & John had 5 more children.
Mary finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said: “Lord, they are finally together.”
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend: “Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?”
Margaret replied: “I think he means her legs, Ethel.”
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’”