Lily
A blonde went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots.
The owner replied, “Sorry, I don’t have any at the moment.”
“Dammmnnn and blast!” said the blonde, “I have been invited to a fancy dress party for the first time in my life and I want to go as a Pirate, and I have been told to be as authentic as possible, hence the need for the parrot” explained the Blonde.
“Well” said the owner, “if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South America and I’ll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed.”
“Dammmmnnnn and blast!” said the blonde, “I can’t come on that day or for some time after.”
“Why not?” Asked the owner.
“Because that is the day I’m having my leg amputated!”
A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: “Talking Centipede $100.”
The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a walk.
The centipede doesn’t answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he’s been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.
He raises his voice and shouts, “Do you want to go for a walk?”
The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says,
“Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I’m putting on my shoes!”
A blond had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”
“Yes, officer, I’m just fine.” the blond chirped.
“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blond began.
“I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree I swerved to the left and there was…”
“Uh, ma’am?”, the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”