Because they’ve spent all their cash on booze during a night on the town, Dave and Eric have no money for a taxi home.
Dave has a drunken idea. “Let’s steal a bus!”
He persuades Eric to break into the bus station. But 20 minutes later, Eric had failed to emerge.
Dave sticks his head round the door. “What on earth are you doing?”
“I can’t find a number seven anywhere,” says a distressed Eric.
“You idiot,” shouts Dave, shaking his head in disbelief. “Just steal a number nine. We can get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way.”
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My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat.
Finally, he decided that he’d go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back.
The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
“Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.”
The minister said, “Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach ‘Thou shall not steal,’ that changed your heart?”
My uncle responded, “No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.”
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A woman had a problem with her closet door—it fell every time a bus passed, so she called a repair man.
The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out whenever a bus passes by.
“OK, I’m going to see what’s going on. Just close the door behind me,” he says as he steps into the closet.
At that time the husband comes home from work, opens the closet, and finds the repairman.
Husband: “What the hell are you doing here!”
Repairman: “Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!”
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There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft.
Curious about its depth, they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing.
They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing.
They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole.
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them.
The man replied, “Oh, no! That couldn’t be my goat. Mine was tied to a railroad tie.”
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Hell in a cell
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well!” said the Director. “We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand!” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No.” said the Director. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?”
