A newlywed couple had just moved into their first home.
The husband is slouched on the couch, glued to a football game.
During a commercial break, his wife says, “Honey, can you change the lightbulb in the hallway after the game?”
He smirks and replies, “Do I look like a damn electrician?”
A few days later, she says, “The fridge door’s busted. Can you fix it?”
He shrugs, “Do I look like a damn appliance repairman?”
She tries one more time: “At least fix the broken step by the front door? Someone’s going to break their neck!”
He scoffs, “I’m not a damn carpenter either! What do I look like, Home Depot? I’m going to the pub!”
A few hours (and beers) later, guilt kicks in. He stumbles home expecting the house to be in pieces—but surprise!
The hallway light is on.
The fridge door works.
The step is fixed.
Shocked, he asks,
“How did all this get done?”
His wife says, “Well, after you stormed out, I sat outside and cried. A nice young man walked by and asked what was wrong. When I told him, he said he’d fix everything if I either baked him a fancy cake… or s.l.ept with him.”
The husband stares at her. “So… you baked him a cake?”
She looks him dead in the eyes: “Do I look like a damn pastry chef?”
Boom. Roasted.
A happily married couple had only one major issue in their relationship
This story doesn’t make you cry laughing, let me know—I’ll say a prayer for you.
A happily married couple had only one major issue in their relationship: the husband’s morning routine of farting like a foghorn.
Every day, his wife would wake up to the thunderous blasts, gasping for air as the noxious fumes made her eyes water.
“Please, for the love of all things holy, STOP!” she begged him daily.
“I can’t help it,” he’d say. “It’s totally natural!”
She warned him, “One day, you’re going to blow your guts out.”
The years rolled by, and so did his morning explosions. Then came Christmas morning. As the wife was preparing the turkey, she stared at the pile of innards—gizzard, liver, neck, and all—and a brilliantly wicked idea struck her.
She crept upstairs, where her husband was still snoozing, gently pulled back the covers, and ever so carefully tipped the entire bowl of turkey guts into his underwear before tucking him back in.
A while later, the house shook with his usual morning eruption—only this time, it was followed by a bloodcurdling scream. The sound of frantic footsteps pounded toward the bathroom.
The wife collapsed on the floor, laughing so hard she could barely breathe.
Twenty minutes later, the husband emerged, pale as a ghost, in his now blood-streaked underwear. His face was a mask of horror.
Trying to keep a straight face, his wife asked, “What happened?”
He gulped. “Honey… you were right. All these years, you warned me, but I never listened.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, barely holding it together.
“Well… it finally happened. I farted my guts out.”
He shuddered, then added, “But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers… I think I got most of them back in.”
LOL!!
Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!
A Man Asked God How To Make A Woman Truly Happy.
A man walking along a beach in California was deep in prayer. Suddenly, he said out loud, “God grant me one wish.”
The sunny California sky clouded above his head, and in a booming voice, God said: “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish”.
The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii, 3000 miles long, so I can drive there any time I want”.
God replied: “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports and the material required to reach the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. The concrete and steel would take over thousands of miles. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish. A wish you think would honour and glorify me.
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “God, I wish I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say NOTHING, and how I can make a woman truly happy”.
God replied, “You want two or four lanes on that bridge”?
Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!
