Lily
There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
“Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me. Can you please help me and send the fire squad right away?”
“Take it easy! Cats don’t hurt us. Just relax and wait until it leaves.”
“You don’t understand it is going to bite me; it is going to be fatal!”
“Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous. By the way, who is calling?”
“I’m Josephine’s parrot, you idiot! Help me please, help!”
Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves.
They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother. ‘Well,’ said the first one, ‘I bought mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.’
‘I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.’
‘I’ve beaten you both,’ said the third. ‘I bought her a miraculous parrot that can talk to her.’
A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons.
‘Gerald, the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, and I have to clean the entire house. Milton, the car is useless because I don’t go anywhere; I’m too old. But Robert, you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious.’
A blonde went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots.
The owner replied, “Sorry, I don’t have any at the moment.”
“Dammmnnn and blast!” said the blonde, “I have been invited to a fancy dress party for the first time in my life and I want to go as a Pirate, and I have been told to be as authentic as possible, hence the need for the parrot” explained the Blonde.
“Well” said the owner, “if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South America and I’ll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed.”
“Dammmmnnnn and blast!” said the blonde, “I can’t come on that day or for some time after.”
“Why not?” Asked the owner.
“Because that is the day I’m having my leg amputated!”