Lily
Late again
Teacher: “Why are you late this morning?”
Student: “It’s my alarm clock. Everyone got up except me!”
Teacher: “How did the alarm clock make you the only one not to get up?”
Student: “There are eight of us in the my family and the alarm clock was only set for seven.”
A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: “Talking Centipede $100.”
The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a walk.
The centipede doesn’t answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he’s been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.
He raises his voice and shouts, “Do you want to go for a walk?”
The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says,
“Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I’m putting on my shoes!”
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.
“What’s the story this time, Jones?” he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”
Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, boss. My wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river – look, my suit’s still damp – ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”
“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”