Lily
A parrot was in a pet shop with a string attached to each leg when a man walked in looking to buy a pet.
A shopkeeper came over and started to try and sell him a dog when the man noticed the parrot.
He asked what the strings were for and the shopkeeper replied, “Well, if you pull the right string the parrot says, ‘Polly wanna cracker’. If you pull the left string it says, ‘my name’s Sam'”.
The man being of the inquisitive nature tried both and thought it was really neat, but was still curious.
So he asked what would happen if he pulled both strings, the parrot piped up, “I’d fall off the perch you idiot!”
A magician had landed a comfortable job on a cruise ship.
His act was rendered hilarious by his parrot who would ridicule the magician after every trick, saying “Big deal, the cards up his sleeve.” or “He put the ball in a hidden floor, the big faker!”
One night the ship began to sink and while confusion reigned, the magician was just barely able to get to a tiny life boat with his beloved parrot. For two days the magician and parrot floated on the rough seas. Strangely, the parrot sat on the opposite end of the craft just staring at the magician.
Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot screamed “Okay, I give up… where the hell did you put the god damned boat!”
A man decides he wants to fish.
Unfortunately, his favorite spot became illegal to fish in.
Undeterred, he fishes for 2 hours, and at this point, he already has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing.
Out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him: “You know you can’t fish here, right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”
The man hides the pole and replies: “Oh no no those are my pet fish. I just come here every week or so drop them in the pond, and once they are done swimming they jump back in and I go home.”
At this point the officer smirks, he knows he’s lying, so he says: “Well then show me, if you can truly show me that they will do that then I’ll let you go.”
The man agrees and dumps the fish into the pond.
A few minutes pass…
“So when are the fish jumping back in the bucket?” Asks the officer smugly.
“What fish?” says the man.