Lily
One night as a bartender is closing up his bar, he hears a knock at the back door.
When he opens the door, there stands a bum who asks, “Can I have a toothpick?” The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up his bar.
Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the door. Again, there stands another bum who asks, “Can I have a toothpick?” The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up the bar.
Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the back door. This time, there’s a bum asking for a straw.
The owner gives him a straw, but finally asks what’s going on out there. The bum replies, “Some lady threw up in the back, but all the good stuff is gone.”
A man and a monkey walk into a bar.
The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar and eats a very old olive that was sitting there.
The bartender says, “Did you see what your monkey did? He ate that disgusting olive!”
The man says, “Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it.”
The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.
A couple days later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the pool table and swallows the cue ball.
The bartender says, “Did you see what your monkey did? He swallowed the cue ball!”
The man says, “Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it.”
The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.
A week later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar, picks up a cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender says, “That is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. Your monkey stuck that cherry up his butt and ate it.”
The man says, “Yeah, ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first.”
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini.
Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
“Well,” said a customer, “I never saw anything as peculiar as that!”
“What’s so peculiar about it?” the bartender said.
“His wife sent him out for a jar of olives.”