Lily
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”
The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife… When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini.
Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
“Well,” said a customer, “I never saw anything as peculiar as that!”
“What’s so peculiar about it?” the bartender said.
“His wife sent him out for a jar of olives.”
A very drunk man
turns up at his house at 6 o’clock in the morning with his hair and clothes dishevelled. His long suffering wife, who has been waiting up all night, shouts at him furiously, “I hope you have a good reason for getting home blind drunk at this time of the morning!”
“Yes,” replied the man, “I’d like some breakfast!”
Drunk man talking
A guy comes home with a cat in his arms and says, “The man says this is a Cannibal monkey.”
The wife says, “You are drunk an talking out your head!”
“Shush, I’m talking to the cat.”