Lily
A young banker decides to take a day off from his stressful job
and goes back to visit some of his professors at his old university.
As he enters the university, he sees a dog attacking a small child.
The banker quickly jumps on the dog and strangles it.
The next day, the local paper runs the story with the headline “Valiant student saves boy from vicious dog.”
When the banker sees the paper, he calls the editor of the paper and strongly suggests that a correction be printed, pointing out that he’s no longer a student, but a successful banker.
The next day, the paper issues a correction, with a headline saying, “Pompous banker k*lls university mascot.”
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island.
Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him,
“The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.”
Wife wanted newspaper
Wife asks her husband to pass her a newspaper.
He replies, “Newspaper? Are you really that behind reality? Technology has developed so much and you are still asking for the newspaper? Here, take my iPad instead.”
The wife takes the iPad and uses it to hit a cockroach.
Her husband faints.