Lily
Wife: “Why are you late?”
Husband: “There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.”
Wife: “That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it?”
Husband: “No, I was standing on it.”
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.
“What’s the story this time, Jones?” he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”
Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, boss. My wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river – look, my suit’s still damp – ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”
“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”
Teacher: “Why are you late this morning?”
Student: “It’s my alarm clock. Everyone got up except me!”
Teacher: “How did the alarm clock make you the only one not to get up?”
Student: “There are eight of us in the my family and the alarm clock was only set for seven.”