A man says to his neighbor, “I have an extraordinary dog. He brings me the newspaper every morning.”
The neighbor responds by saying, “That’s nothing special. Lots of dogs do that.”
The man says, “Sure, but I don’t have a subscription.”
A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: “Talking Centipede $100.”
The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a walk.
The centipede doesn’t answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he’s been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.
He raises his voice and shouts, “Do you want to go for a walk?”
The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says,
“Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I’m putting on my shoes!”
A man decides he wants to fish.
Unfortunately, his favorite spot became illegal to fish in.
Undeterred, he fishes for 2 hours, and at this point, he already has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing.
Out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him: “You know you can’t fish here, right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”
The man hides the pole and replies: “Oh no no those are my pet fish. I just come here every week or so drop them in the pond, and once they are done swimming they jump back in and I go home.”
At this point the officer smirks, he knows he’s lying, so he says: “Well then show me, if you can truly show me that they will do that then I’ll let you go.”
The man agrees and dumps the fish into the pond.
A few minutes pass…
“So when are the fish jumping back in the bucket?” Asks the officer smugly.
“What fish?” says the man.