Lily
An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000” the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man, seeing this, said, “We’ll take it.” The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said, “By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.” he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man, “But let me tell you about my weekend!!”
TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren’t in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn’t want to muss your new hair—do 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us.
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn’t finish 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the b*lls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?” The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.