Bean
Baby: “Mommy.”
Dad: “No. Say, daddy.”
Baby: “Mommy.”
Dad: “Crap! Say, daddy!”
Baby: “Crap!”
Dad: “What did you say?”
Baby: “Crap!”
Mom: “I’m home!”
Baby: “Crap!”
Mom: “What? Where did you hear that?”
Baby: “Daddy.”
==========================
Two friends go skydiving. This is the first solo jump for both of them. The plane lifts off and the instructor gives them their last instructions:
“When the light above the door turns green, you can jump.”
The first guy (who is a major stutterer) asks: “W-W-w-will the p-p-p-parach-ch-ute open o-o-on its o-o-o-own?”
The instructor says: “No sir, you have to pull the chord yourself. Just jump out, count to ten, and then pull the chord.”
The light turns green and the second guy jumps first. After ten seconds he opens his parachute and lands safely in an open field next to a river.
After a few minutes, he hears a loud splash and he looks over to the river. The first guy comes up and says:
“N-n-ine.”