I’m going to a lecture.

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.

As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” said the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture.” the man said.

“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.

“My wife.” said the man.

Two drunks are walking along.

One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. “You’re wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”

They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining.
Is it the moon or the sun?”

The third drunk looked at the sky and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”

A policeman stops two drunks and asks one, “Where do you live?”

“Nowhere”, the first drunk replied.

“And where do you live?”, he asks the other.

“We’re neighbours.”

A very drunk man

turns up at his house at 6 o’clock in the morning with his hair and clothes dishevelled. His long suffering wife, who has been waiting up all night, shouts at him furiously, “I hope you have a good reason for getting home blind drunk at this time of the morning!”

“Yes,” replied the man, “I’d like some breakfast!”

A retired couple had dinner at their friends’ house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went to the kitchen.

The two men were talking and one said, “We’ve been going to a new restaurant and it’s really great. I’d recommend it very highly.”

The other man asked, “What’s the name of the place?”

The first man thought awhile and finally said, “What are those flowers you send a woman you love? The ones with red petals and thorns?”

“You must mean roses,” he replied.

“That’s it,” said the man.

He yelled to his wife, “Rose, what’s the name of the restaurant we like?”