Angry husband writes diary about shovelling snow and the whole internet are laughing!


I remember all those winters back home when there could be snow all the way up my waist on a “good” winter.

My friends and I were on the road all day, playing in the snow and skiing basically everywhere we went.

I also remember that my father, who had to do most of the shoveling, did not have the same enthusiasm when it started to get colder and the snow was falling all over our streets.

The man in this funny story, however, might have taken his negative feelings towards snow one step to far… One day, tired of shoveling snow, he decided to write his thoughts down in a diary. The result is pure gold.

December 8: 6:00 PM.

It started to snow. The first snow of the season, the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love the snow!

December 9:

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a better place in the world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. I shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12:

The sun melted all our beautiful snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we will definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have enough snow by the end of the winter, and I’ll never want to see snow again. I do not think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14:

Snow, beautiful snow! 8 “last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I did not know that I should get rid of the shovel as much, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15:

20 inches of forecasts. Sold my van and bought a 4 × 4 blazer. I bought snow tires for the wife’s car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16:

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. I think I should have bought a wood stove but won’t admit it to her. God, I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:

Electricity is back but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. I tried to find a neighbor child to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22:

Bob was right about White Christmas because today 13 more inches of the white shit fell and it’s so cold that it will probably not melt until August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! I tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the a**hole is lying.

December 23:

Only 2″ of snow today, and it warmed up to “0”. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.

December 24:

6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. I thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he’s hiding around the corner and waiting for me to finish shoveling, then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I’ve just been! Tonight, the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.

December 25:

Merry [email protected]!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the [email protected]@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26:

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27:

The temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. The plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28:

Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:

The roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating, I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31:

I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8:

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?


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